


Wing Envy

by JoJoWrites



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Funny, Humor, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-04
Updated: 2012-06-04
Packaged: 2017-11-06 20:22:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/422823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoJoWrites/pseuds/JoJoWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edward and Jasper are off to a Greek themed party. Toga's and tent poles galore. Part of the 'April Anthology'. OOC/AH</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wing Envy

**Author's Note:**

> This little ditty was written to celebrate Gasaway Alley's Birthday.
> 
> No birthday would be complete without Togaward and Jasper in a diaper. Itchy bollocks and tent poles ahoy! Happy Birthday April!

Standing in front of my full length mirror, I inspected the image staring back at me. Clad in a white sheet and nothing more I was careful to tuck away the goods. For some unknown reason – probably mental instability – I had agreed to accompany Jasper to a Greek themed soirée at the Delta Gamma sorority house.

I was only serving as his ' _wing man_ ' in his attempt to bone Alice Brandon, but I had a fancy costume and I intended to have a damn good time wearing it. There was no way on this planet I was going to spend six hours hemming it in intricate gold thread, for it to go to waste.

Fastening a gold belt around my waist, I turned around to admire the costume in full. I had to admit, the toga hugged my best assets perfectly and my ass looked pretty damn good. Looking down at my feet, I wiggled my toes in the gold sandals and thanked every Greek god I could recall for the pedicure I had booked earlier in the week.

"Dude, you ready?" Jasper asked, walking into my room – uninvited – dabbing gold glitter on his chest.

His curly blonde hair was set perfectly and had me wondering if he'd gotten a perm specially for the party. His face was glowing with bright rosy cheeks. It was a shame he'd chosen blue eye shadow though; it really didn't work well with his skin tone. Glancing downwards I was met with a diaper fashioned out of a sheet leading a pair of spindly and bowed legs. Which were also conspicuously hairless...

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" I asked, rather worried what his answer was going to be.

"Er, duh! Can't you guess?" he replied, twirling on the spot and showing off a pair of ridiculously small wings stuck to his back.

_At least mine were manly, full sized ones._

"Yeah, I'm all out," I sighed, returning my attention to the mirror and ensuring my hair had that perfect _'just fell out of bed and can't be bothered'_ look.

"I'm Cupid!" He announced proudly, showing his toy bow and arrow which he'd meticulously sprayed gold. He'd even attached little hearts to the end of his arrows.

Turing back around I gave him a final appraisal. "Cupid wasn't Greek."

"Ofcourse he was!" Jasper protested, tugging on his diaper and adjusting himself. I prayed it was securely fastened. Nobody needed to be exposed to an impromptu appearance of ' _Little Cupid_ ' tonight.

"No, he wasn't," I insisted, skilfully positioning my, custom made, wings on my back.

"Oh, really? Well who the hell are you supposed to be then?"

"Eros," I replied, not looking at him as I ensured each feather was perfectly placed to frame and accentuate my rear-end. "The Greek God of love."

"No, that was Cupid!" he insisted, standing with his hands on his hips, seconds away from stamping his foot and throwing a hissy fit. "Do you see ' _Eros'_ on Valentines cards? No. It's Cupid!"

"I think you'll find you're wrong Jasper. Eros was the Greek God of love. Cupid was his childish Roman counterpart."

I was the real love God with Jasper a mere sidekick. A mythological ' _Batman and Robin_ ' if you will.

"Whatever," he huffed, obviously put out that I had a far superior costume. It wasn't my fault he'd decided to dress up as an over-grown toddler who'd raided his mother's make-up.

Checking myself once more in the mirror, I decided it was time to leave. After all, perfection couldn't be improved upon.

* * *

The party was in full swing by the time we'd arrived. The drive had taken longer than expected. In my careful planning of the night's attire, I'd failed to take into account the span of my wings and the logistics involved when it came to wearing them whilst driving.

The house was full of people sporting various costumes – many of which were obviously not Greek. Looking around, I basked in the notion I was clearly the best dressed.

_Since when was the 'Caesar' Greek?_

Grabbing Jasper by his arrow, I towed him towards the finely laid out bar. Every beverage known to man seemed to be on display as I helped myself to a large whiskey. Beer was for the minions. Only the finest single malt was good enough to tickle _my_ taste-buds. As I savoured the smoky flavour, I was interrupted by Jasper fidgeting next to me.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked as his hand plundered his diaper once more. "Is it the new fabric conditioner I bought? It's non-biological and claims to be gentle on sensitive skin..."

"No..." he whined, turning towards me slightly and scratching like a dog with fleas.

_Fleas? Dear God no!_

I panicked.

"Do you have crabs?" I asked, slightly louder than intended. "Oh my God! We share towels!"

I could feel the panic rising as a bead of sweat trickled down my back, tarnishing my costume. Patting my forehead, I dabbed the light layer of moisture away. The last thing I needed was for my foundation to run. It took a lot of work to look this bronzed and hide my freckles.

"No!" he hissed.

"Then why the fuck are you scratching like a dirty old tom cat?"

"I...shaved," he whispered close to my ear.

"Yeah, I know that. You're legs are looking very smoo... _oh_..." I began as realisation dawned on me.

There was only one razor in our house sharp enough for such a delicate task – and it didn't belong to Jasper. His were always clogged with crap and rusty. How he's never removed his chin in the morning was beyond me.

_Note to self: Throw away all razors and accessories at the first opportunity._

"Well I started on my legs but it just looked strange. I couldn't have smooth legs and then a hairy ball sack," he explained as I scanned the room, looking for an excuse to escape his company. ' _Itchy Scratchy_ ' was now officially on his own.

My eyes caught the sight of a young woman standing on her own on the opposite side of the room. Looking down at her drink, she looked like she could do with some company. Company I was more than willing to provide.

Knocking back my drink and straightening my wings, I sauntered towards her, confidence seeping out of every pore.

"Nice costume. Medusa?" I asked, taking in the girls appearance.

"Excuse me?" she replied, frowning.

"Medusa," I clarified. "You know, the gorgon? The chthonic monster?"

"Er no. Why would you think that?" she asked

"Well your hair for starters. I like how you've created the tight curls to resemble snakes," I explained, tentatively reaching out to hold one of the offending spirals in front of her face. "You must have used a hell of a lot of hairspray for it to be so stiff and compacted."

Seeing the look of contempt on her face, I quickly retracted my hand through fear of it being removed from my body.

"I'm Athena," she stated, crossing her arms over her chest. The movement just served to push her breasts further out of her costume. So much so I was almost certain I spied a nipple.

"You can't be," I said, barely able to take my eyes away from her ample – and almost free - bosom.

"And why not?" She asked, placing a hand on her hip and arching her back so much her nipple came precariously close to taking one of my eyes out.

"Athena was one of the ' _Three Virgin Goddesses'_ on Olympus" I replied, waving my hand in front of her body to emphasise my point.

Casting my eyes upwards I found myself wishing she was Medusa after all. Turning to stone seemed quite favourable compared to the look I was receiving. With her hands in tight fists at her side, I prepared myself for the beating of a lifetime.

"Fuck that, you're more like ' _Brimo_ '" I mumbled, stepping backwards in a hasty retreat. ' _The Angry One_ ' didn't have a patch on the beast in front of me.

Once I could be sure I was out of her firing line I began my search for Jasper – the first stop being the bar. Rounding the corner towards the kitchen, I spotted a diaper with the owners ass-crack peaking out of the top. I would have known that derrière at a hundred paces – only this time it was being clawed at by some sort of nymph as he ground her into the wall.

Alice.

Turning on my heels and not wanting to bear witness to a live sex show, I made my way to a quiet corner to sit down and get thoroughly wasted. Keeping a low profile seemed like the best option. The last thing I wanted was to run into 'S _he Beast'_ again. Just the thought of what she could do to me made my balls shrivel up and my mouth go dry.

* * *

"Hi," a quiet voice said beside me as I sat stroking my wings.

The feel of the soft feathers was comforting and I had every intention of making my own decorative pillow with them later. There was an extensive embroidery kit at home just waiting for my talented digits to make use of it.

Nodding my head, I looked up to see who the voice belonged to. I was greeted with the most amazing sight of my entire life. A petite girl with big brown eyes set in a round face. She had a full bottom lip which glistened as her tongue ran nervously over it. All framed by luscious mahogany hair falling in loose curls around her shoulders.

As I stared at the heavenly being in front of me, I made a mental note to ask her what shampoo she used. It could do wonders for my hair, and I was partial to the fruity smell of strawberries anyway.

"I'm Bella," she said, holding her hand out towards me. Frozen in place, I continued to stroke my wings with more fervour. "You must be Edward...Jaspers friend?"

Taken off guard by her using my name, I was unable to respond verbally. My hand stopped it's ministrations as my fingers gripped the plumage, almost the the point of plucking.

"Sorry, I'm Alice's friend," she said, dropping her hands to her lap. I instantly felt bad about not taking her hand and making her feel awkward.

"No, I'm sorry. Yes, I'm Edward. How did you know?" I asked, turning my body to face her. My hand itched to reach out and touch her.

"Jasper said you would be the one with the pompous attitude and big wings," she laughed, before downing the rest of her drink. "They _are_ pretty spectacular."

Wiping the drops of alcohol off her chin, she stood and asked if I wanted a re-fill. Never one to turn down alcohol I concurred.

_Pompous attitude and spectacular wings? Spectacular, yes. Pompous, no. Ok, so possibly on the second count..._

My inner monologue was halted as she made her way across the room. Her hips swayed enticingly and her perfectly round and supple ass bounced slightly with each step. Unable to form of coherent thoughts, I felt all the blood leave my cerebellum and head south; another issue I had over looked when choosing my attire. Pitching a tent under a piece of white cotton was, quite possibly, the worst situation I could find myself in. It even trumped someone spilling red wine down the crisp linen.

Crossing my legs, I tried to think of anything to relieve my problem. Even the image of my parents getting it on wasn't working.

"So who have you come as tonight?" Bella asked as she returned with our drinks, her eyes travelling the length of my body and settling on my sandals.

"Eros. Yourself?" I wasn't willing to offer any suggestions this time. Once bitten, twice shy and my gut instinct was that this girl could do far more damage than ' _She Beast_ '. It's always the quiet ones you have to be careful of.

"Aphrodite," she replied, a small blush covering her cheeks.

_Aphrodite... Aphrodite Callipygos... Callipygos... Beautiful Buttocks... Bella Callipygos... Bella Beautiful Buttocks..._

My mind was in over drive, well not my actual mind - my mini-brain instead. Squeezing my legs together tighter I suppressed the groan that was building in my throat. In serious danger on spontaneous combustion, I pressed my palm into my groin hoping to hide the monster boner currently twitching against my abdomen, desperately trying to break free and reach it's target sitting next to me.

"Erm..th-that's cool," I stuttered, sounding like a complete retard.

_Smooth, Cullen, smooth_

"Yeah," she replied, sipping her drink and surreptitiously looking at my hand pressed firmly against my cock.

"Well, erm... it's good that we met..." I began. "Aphrodite and Eros together. You know...the perfect couple." Taking a sip of my drink I started to feel confident again but noticed a troubled look on Bella's face.

"Edward... Aphrodite was Eros' mother," she whispered in my ear, causing her breath to fan across my face.

Shaking clear the cloud of lust in my brain, and straightening my shoulders, I put all of my newly acquired research to good use. "No, according to Plato's Symposium, he was conceived by Poros and Penia at Aphrodite's birthday."

Satisfied my explanation was enough to placate her and reassure her I was, in no way into mother-loving, I smiled and took a long draw of my drink.

Staring into her eyes, I knew it was time to make my move. Placing my glass on the floor, I leaned forward slowly and brushed her hair away from her eyes. A small gasp came from her as my hand made contact with her skin for the first time. Closing her eyes, she mimicked my actions and leaned towards me, her lips in a small pout.

"Fuck it," she said, pulling back and standing abruptly. Grabbing my hand, she forcefully pulled me up and proceeded to drag me across the room. Stumbling behind her, I tried desperately to cover my dick as it stood proudly at full mast – the flimsy cotton of my toga no match for it's determination.

* * *

As I was marched through the building, Bella hurriedly checked random rooms until she was apparently satisfied. Pulling me through the doorway I was engulfed in complete darkness and didn't have a clue where I was. As the door closed behind me, I felt her small hands grab my hips and push me backwards. Colliding with a solid object I suppressed a cry of pain.

"Bella, are you sure?" I groaned, as she ground her small body against mine and her mouth attacked my neck.

"Less talking," she mumbled, gripping the front of my toga and dragging me towards the bed. Pushing firmly on my chest with her hand, I found myself falling backwards and landing in the centre of the mattress with an unceremonious thud.

Rolling to the side quickly and standing up, Bella completely missed my body as she launched herself onto the now empty bed. With a huff, she peeled her face from the comforter and _growled_ at me.

"What are you doing?"she asked, a air of annoyance clearly visible in her tone.

"I'm just taking my toga off," I replied. Carefully untying the precisely appointed knot on my shoulder, I watched as she crouched on the bed like a lioness stalking it's prey. Her eyes were firmly fixed on my groin and I was relived to have gotten away from her as quickly as I did. I was in no doubt that any delay would have resulted in my precious costume being damaged beyond repair.

"Leave the wings on," she ordered as I reached for the tie holding them to my body. Obliging, I left them securely in place and sent a silent prayer out that they would remain in one piece - along with my body.

Standing in front of me, Bella's hands roamed my chest with her delicate lips following in their wake. Pressing my cock into her abdomen , the suspense was nearly killing me. I had never been so scared, yet aroused by someone before. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins as I started to remove her toga with shaky hands. Slapping my hands away from her body, she directed me back to the bed.

Lying on my back once again I was taken completely by surprise by Bella as she hitched her toga up past her hips and impaled herself on me. The feeling of her hot, wet and completely surrounding me was the most delicious kind of torture. I could feel small spasms as she settled on my manhood and devoured me until I was balls deep.

Digging her fingernails lightly into my chest she began grinding and rotating her hips. This was most definitely only a spectator sport – and I was more than willing to buy a ticket. With every undulation of her hips I could feel myself being pushed to the edge. Not wanting to appear a 'two pump chump', I held onto her hips tighter and tried to slow down her rhythm but it just spurred her on even more.

As she continued to ride me like the last bull at the rodeo, I could hear the unmistakable sound of plumage cracking and snapping. Fearing the worst for my feathered friends, I knew it was time to take charge. Sadly my subconscious – or more accurately my hormones, had other ideas.

_Cullen you chump! You've got a hot chick in a toga using your dick as some sort of pussy-pogo-stick and all you're worried about is your wings?_

"I'm nearly there," Bella gasped as she increased her effort, leaning back and using my thighs as support. I could feel the muscles in my abdomen getting tighter as I felt my impending orgasm grow.

The grunts and sounds of sweaty skin slapping together was drowned out by a high pitched wail that I could only compare to a banshee. As Bella contracted and seized all around me I was sent spiralling into the hardest orgasm of my life with her hand firmly gripping my nut sack.

Completely spent, she collapsed on my body; her wet hair falling around my neck and surrounding me with the sweet scent of strawberries. Extricating herself from my body she settled beside me with her head resting on my chest.

"Thank you," she mumbled before falling into a deep sleep – and snoring.

The bright sun shone through the window as I opened my eyes. Seeing my toga folded neatly on a chair and remembering the events of the previous night, a smile spread across my face. Rolling over to greet my newest bed-mate I was confronted by an empty space. The only evidence of her ever being there was the silhouette of her body made up of gold glitter.

Running my hands through my hair, I crawled out of bed. As I got dressed and looked around the room, a horrifying and disturbing realisation dawned on me.

_The bitch stole my wings!_

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought of this by hitting that little 'review' button. It was my very first (but not necessarily my last) one-shot.
> 
> If you want to read more funny fics please check out Giggle/Snort Files @ http://www.gigglesnort.net/fiction


End file.
